Do I Need a Harem?
by PompusRompus
Summary: With all the hot babes Steven knows, some random dude tries persuading Steven to start is own Harem. Each time they meet, Steven's met with more questions than answers, with the main one being "Who is this guy?" Features a surprise pairing.
1. Chapter 1

No actual harems present. It's just some asshole trying to push Steven to get one with it featuring the Crystal Gems, Lapis, and a bunch of other people and gems.

* * *

Steven wanted to do nothing more than to sit back, relax, and watch television. But he couldn't that because of a certain stranger. He remembered as if it was just yesterday instead of just a few hours ago. Wrong expression? It doesn't matter at the moment. Anyways, Steven was on his way to Connie's home when he had this strange feeling someone was watching him. He kept stopping to look over his shoulder only to find no one there. Maybe he was just paranoid, but why should he be? Why would anyone want to follow him? When he got to Connie's home, the feeling went away only to come right back as they headed to the movie theater to catch a movie.

He tried telling Connie he felt like someone was following him but she couldn't see anyone. Just to be sure, they went different routes to shake off anyone that could be following him. No matter where they went, Steven still felt as if he was being followed. Even as they watched the movies, he felt as if someone's eyes were burning into the back of his head. It made it really hard to focus on whatever Connie was saying and the movie. Once it ended, he walked her home and headed back to the temple. Just as he was about to pass an alleyway, a figure jumped out. It was a dark haired teenager possibly around Steven's age. He was wearing a pair of shades, a scarf around his mouth, a trench coat, baggy beige pants, and green sneakers. He held out his arms to stop the shorter teen's path.

"Gotcha, ya lucky bastard!" he grinned at the other male.

"Gah!" Steven jumped back.

"I saw you with those hot pieces of ass!" He shouted at him. "What's your secret to your harem?"

"Uh what?" Steven gave him a confused look. What was a harem and who even was this guy? He didn't sound familiar and he couldn't say he looked familiar either because that scarf was covering the lower part of his face. Wait was this the guy that followed him. "Hey are you the..."

"Doesn't matter! Tell me your secrets dude!" The teenager said eagerly. "I'd kill to be around those fine ladies!"

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Dave, now tell me your secrets!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your harem!"

"I don't even know what that is!"

"It's where you have a bunch of girlfriends, duh!" He thought for a minute before laughing. He gave the other male a slap on the back. "Oh you jokester you! Pretending not to know what a harem is when you're living the dream! You crack me up! There's no shame in your game, man! I envy you! I'm sure everyone does!"

Steven still didn't know what he was talking about. Girlfriends? He didn't have a girlfriend and even if he did, he'd only have one. That was how it was, wasn't it? Guys were supposed to have only one girlfriend, right? Having more than one would probably cause problems in the relationship wouldn't it? "Who are you talking about? I don't have a girlfriend."

"Oh sure you don't!" He laughed as he put an arm around Steven. "That wasn't just one of them you took to the movies?"

"N-no way!" The half gem turned bright red. "Connie's just a friend."

"I'm sure she is."

"She is!"

"Ok. Okay, I heard ya bud. HOWEVER that blush tell me that you want her to be your girlfriend."

"No I don't..."

"Don't worry about it. I know it can be hard getting another chick into your harem," He interrupted Steven. "But I can help you out with it."

"I don't even know..."

"The Love Doctor is here to help!" He announced as he jumped back in front of the half gem and struck a disco pose. "Free of charge. I just want piece of that tall drink of water."

"But I..." Without letting him finish, Dave ran off. Well that was odd. When he got home, he felt that feeling back again. Was that guy following him again? He looked outside and even called out to him but got no answer. When Dave still didn't show up, Steven tried forgetting about him but he couldn't. When would this guy go away and stop bothering him?


	2. Chapter 2

Ranger-356 Of N.C.R- Not all. I'd be a hypocrite if I was doing that. It's pretty much just someone who saw how many pretty ladies and feminine folks, minus a certain few others, Steven is around and wanted a piece of that action. It's just a bit of fun. I don't dis-encourage harem stories...unless it's a serious Steven harem. I just don't like those. He just don't fit the head of a harem. If you like it, as long as he's old enough...

Now that I think about it, I guess it's a parody of what would happen if someone ran up to a random character and suggested he bone every female or male they knew.

"What's up, mah boy?" Steven nearly fell over when Dave came out of the trash can. He had been trying to take out the trash only for the teenager to pop out of the can and scare him. What was he doing in the trash can anyways? He couldn't just knock on the door? Besides there was garbage in there. Was he really willing to get dirty and smell like trash just to talk to him?

"You scared me!" He said gripping his chest. "What are you even doing in the trashcan?"

"Doesn't matter," He said as he struggled to get out of the trash can. "Damn it! Stupid...whoa!"

He nearly fell out of the trashcan and Steven quickly stopped him from falling down. After he helped him out of the trashcan, Dave took the banana peel off his shoulder. "Thanks dude. What took you so long to come out? I've been out here for 3 hours!"

"3 hours?" He hid in a trash can with trash in it for 3 hours? Who could hide inside of garbage for that long? Wait no, who even hides in someone's trash just to catch them outside? He could have just knocked on the door if he wanted to talk. No one was going to hurt him if he just knocked on the door.

"Yeah, but it was worth it just to talk to you!" He grinned although one couldn't see it thanks to his dirty red scarf around his face. "By the way, whose the hotty with the thickness?"

"What?" Steven looked confused. What was this lingo this guy using?

"You know..." He started making a gesture for someone with big hips. "Thickness!"

"What?"

"Oh for the love of...the one with the big square afro!" He rolled his eyes. Why was this guy acting dumb? He couldn't hide that nice piece of ass if he tried.

"Oh Garnet!"

"Garnet, huh?" He tapped where his chin was. "So are you hitting that as well?"

"Why would I hit Garnet?" He asked. Dave sighed loudly, rolled his eyes, and hit his forehead.

"That's not what I meant. Stop playing stupid!" He yelled. Steven was really getting on his nerves. He was hogging all of those women to himself and then playing dumb when it came down to it.

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Dave," said Steven. "Could you put it in simpler terms?"

"It means you stuck your penis inside of her and..."

"WHAT?!" Steven felt sick to his stomach just hearing about it. He didn't want to have sex with Garnet! She was his guardian and she was a fusion of two people. Even if she wasn't, he didn't feel as if they were compatible enough and she was thousands of years old. It wasn't going to happen. "No way! She's like a big sister and a mentor!"

"I dunno...some people are into stuff like that," he shrugged.

"I'm not!"

"Sure you're not," He rolled his eyes. He look back at the house and started chuckling. He followed his eyes toward the house and they saw Pearl coming out with a steaming pie. She placed the pie on the counter of the window and then headed downstairs. When she noticed them looking at her, she smiled at them and waved.

"Hi Pearl!" Steven waved back at her.

"I'm headed to the store," she called over to them. "Do you need anything?"

"Just ice cream please!"

"Got it!" With that Pearl went down the beach and towards town. When Steven turned back to Dave, he was giving Steven a hidden shit eating grin.

"And that is?"

"Not my girlfriend that's for sure," He knew he was going to ask.

"Suuuuuuuuure," Of course he would say that. Steven noticed him watching Pearl as she continued to walk off. "I bet you can rip right through her can't you.

"I don't think so," Steven tapped his chin. "Pearl's pretty tough. Besides you can't since Pearl can just go back into her gem."

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?" Dave then went into great detail about what he meant about "ripping through" his guardian. Steven fought to keep the vomit from escaping his mouth. This guy just wasn't going to stop was he? "That's disgusting! I don't what your problem is, but you need to knock it off! If you like my friends, that's fine but I refuse to have you talking sexual about them to me!"

Dave couldn't help but to howl with laughter causing Steven to storm off. That guy had no respect for him or his friends. Who even was this guy to be making such comments towards his friends? Then he had the nerve to say that kind of stuff to him. It made him want to throw up at the thought of Pearl having sex. He didn't need that picture in his head. The taller teenager didn't get the message and chased after Steven. He called out to him, but the half gem just kept going as if he didn't hear him. Dave figured he was just mad that someone else was talking about his girl. He couldn't help it. Pearl, although skinny, looked like a freak in the bed and/or liked being taken by a big, strong man.

When Dave finally caught up, Steven told him to leave him be. The dark haired teen didn't care and said he was sorry. "I just get a little excited whenever I see a beautiful woman."

"Do it again and I'll send Garnet after you," She could be a lot more stern he was.

"Please do~" He then cleared his throat when Steven glared at him. "I'm joking. I'm sorry. Lemme buy you a pizza."

Steven thought for a minute. "Fine, but no more talking about the Crystal Gems in a sexual manner, okay?"

"Okay," The two headed over to the pizza place and as soon as Kiki left their table, Dave was back at it again with the comments.

"Who was that sexy piece of chocolate?" He said as he stared at Kiki's behind. "Man, I'd bend her over and..."

"She's off limits as well!" Steven said throwing up his hands in frustration.

'Dang, Steven!' He thought in shock. This guy had a nice sized harem, didn't he? Garnet, Connie, Pearl, probably the short one, and this woman! Who else did he have and why wasn't _he_ this lucky? Maybe she wasn't in the harem just yet and Steven wanted her for himself! Sneaky mother fucker! "Why can't I?"

"She's my friend and..."

"Then why can't I...?"

"Because you sound like a pervert!"

"I bet that's a reason," He rolled his eyes. Why wouldn't he just come out and say that he was banging all those females? Was it because someone might get jealous, angry dads that were overprotective over their daughters were out to stp him, his own father trying to convincing him that having a bunch of girlfriends was nothing but trouble, or Steven just wanting to be known as a whore? He wished Steven would confide in him. Then he realized something. They didn't know each other very well! No wonder Steven wouldn't say he had a harem! If he had a secret harem full of beautiful women, he wouldn't be too quick to tell someone he didn't know about it let alone share any of the chicks he had.

"Do I need to leave?" Steven said interrupting his thoughts.

"Oh! N-no!" He said quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm getting too excited over pretty women! I'll try and tone it down."

"Good," then Kiki's twin, Jenny, showed up with their pizza. Dave started to say something but a look from Steven shut him up. When she left, he asked who she was. "That's Kiki's sister, Jenny. They're twins."

His one of his eyes twitch and he flinched. "T-twin? Twin? Twin s-s-sis-t-ters?"

"Are you okay?" He sent him a concerned look. The dark haired teen excused himself and went outside. As Steven took a bite of the pizza, in the corner of his eye he saw Dave outside of the restaurant. He was over at a corner store. He looked around and then he started dancing while shouting "YES! YES! TWINS! OH MY GOSH! TWINS! TWINS! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WOOOOOOOO!" and making a fool of himself. Everyone else who was passing by stared at the strange display. A few people started recorded him as he did backflips and yelled about how happy he was about twins. Why was he happy about how Kiki and Jenny being twins?

Eventually Dave stopped making a fool of himself and headed into the restaurant, breathing hard as he sat down in the booth. Steven offered to get him a drink of water or soda but he declined anything to drink. The two ate their pizza with Dave asking about the Crystal Gems. Steven told him about their adventures and he could tell the guy wanted to say something every time he said one of the gems' names but he said nothing. Once the pizza had gone, Dave received a phone call.

"Hello?" He spoke into the phone. On the other end of the phone, he heard a loud, angry feminine voice on the other end. From what he could make out, she was yelling something about Chinese food and pork-chops. "Ok! Ok! I'm on my way! I was..."

"I DON'T CARE!" She yelled even louder than before. "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

"W-why?" Dave pouted as he listened to the woman on the phone for a while before hanging up the phone. "I have to go."

"Oh okay," said Steven. He was relieved that the guy was gone. Now he wouldn't bother him anymore or actually hit on his friends. Just as he was leaving a tip, he suddenly realized he left the trash, untied, outside. He left a couple of bucks on the table and quickly made it back home. Sure enough a couple of stray dogs were in the trash and he quickly shooed them away. Darn it. Now he had to pick all the trash up. Just then a red dog popped out the trash can onto his back and spoke to him.

"I gotcha!" Navy transformed back into her usual form, gripping the back of his t-shirt.

"What the...?" He attempted to grab her only to stop when she wrapped her arms around his neck and grinned at him. "Who are you?"

She leapt over his back and grinned at him as she struck a pose. "I'm back, bitches! Teeheehee!"

Steven was taken aback by both her appearance back on Earth and the fact that she knew a swear word. "Navy!"

"That's me!" She giggled. "I'm back on earth and I'm here to stay! I mean if you'll let me."

"Stay?" She nodded.

"Yeah!" She pouted. "All the other Rubies are so mean to me. I wanna live on earth and be free like you and your friends!"

"Really?" Steven was shocked to hear such a thing from the ruby. After all the things that happened between them, he would have thought the ruby's first plan was to get revenge for herself and her fellow Rubies. "Aren't you upset about the baseball game or when Jasper turned out to be Amethyst?"

"Baseball was really fun! I actually wouldn't mind playing again!" She grinned. "And that was a pretty clever trick! I can't believe she had us all fooled. You guys are so smart!"

"What about how we left you guys in space?"

"We were just fighting then. Understandable!" She said with a wave of the hand. "Please lemme stay!"

He thought about it. Out of all the other rubies, minus the CG Ruby, she was the nicest out of the bunch. "Okay, you can stay with us, but..."

"Yay!" she cheered. "Ruby gets to stay!"


End file.
